I asked one of the nurses at work what happens to the patients after they leave.
We work in a hospital that functions solely has a clinical trials facility for cancer patients.
Her response was, they die.
There was an episode of sex and the city where Carrie was dating this Russian who was so matter of fact about his friend dying from cancer. She needed comfort when her friend had a cancer scare and the Russian just kept saying, she’ll die.
That’s how I felt. My former boss had cancer in 2008, it metastasized this year and she’s currently in clinical trials at a different facility. “They die”, though the nurse is a nice lady, made me want to choke her…..which would make her die…point is, I don’t want ANYBODY to die.
My boss keeps a blog where she updates family and friends and I was a little concerned since she hasn’t updated in a month- which is why I asked the nurse in the first place. As if on cue, I got a notification that there was a new post on my boss’ blog and I couldn’t click that link fast enough.
She wrote that the combination drugs she’s taking, Temozolomide and Veliparib is making her tumours stay the same or shrink in size- in other words a success!!
Her cancer isn’t curable but it is treatable, and as long as she can help it, she won’t die from fucking cancer. She is stepping down from her deputy director’s position to work part time and focus on her treatments.
I love this woman because she acknowledges how fortunate she is for financially being able to work part-time, and find incredible resources for treatments prolonging her life.
Sorry for the long post, my heart is so filled with joy, it’ll burst if I don’t get it out.
My son went out with friends earlier and said he’d be back at 10. It’s 10:22p, now I trust my kid, he says he’s with friends, he’s with friends.
But I worry when he’s not home when he says.
I don’t want to be that mom……
I’m that mom, I’m hitting publish and calling to see when his ass is coming home.
Edit: it went to voice mail, I’m going to rip his balls off! Dayum kids….sending me to an early grave!
Adulthood doesn’t mean you stop drinking juice pouches and eating fruit snacks. It means buying your own.
and mixing them with vodka
At 3 in the morning while marathoning your favorite show because nobody can tell you to go to bed.
And then regretting your decisions the next morning.
But still doing it again tomorrow
Depression is an ugly thing. There’s no such thing as depression in my culture, and I say my culture but I really mean my parent’s. I’m first generation American born to Nigerian immigrants and by that culture’s litmus test, I have nothing to be depressed about. So even when I vent or post about my depression, I feel both better and a little guilty too - cos I really do have a lot to be thankful for. But I’m sorry for having everything I need and still feeling depressed when I know some of my friends are having legitimate issues…..(hugs Rick & Mindy)
My eternal conundrum.
I’m brainwashed over the nature of depression and it’ll take a while to unlearn and re- wire my brain.
Don’t hate me, I tried pumpkin latte for the first time. Verdict. Hated, really hated it. I’ve never liked pumpkin pie either so….
I’ve been saving all my dvr recordings in anticipation of my blessed, much anticipated, earned (I’m a veteran) 3 day weekend, and I plan to spend the entire time eating, sleeping and watching tv.
When you feel another cycle coming on and feel so helpless, nothing can stop it. You try but you know it’s to no avail.
You know the drill, the melancholy, the feeling of hopelessness, the feeling of wanting to be alone, to not have to interact with the world. And you don’t want to this time.
It’s hard every time, this time will be no different and you just don’t want to…..this time. You can’t find the strength to try.
But you must because so many people are counting on you. Everything is counting on you.
And you finally accept it. No use trying to ignore it. It’s coming on and you must face it.
Then you write.
And hit publish.
When my son’s “nice” for no reason, I get uber suspicious.
I said I was hungry, it’s 11:23pm and he offers to go pick up fast food.
This 17yo kid actually thinks I’m buying his drill….but, these days I get what I can from him. I miss my kid, he has a life of his own of which a big chunk is without me. (“of which a big chunk is without me”??? I don’t talk like that in real life, not sure why I wrote it like that).
Anyway, I pay so he can get something for himself too.
Also- I kinda like the Friday crew here on tumblr, we’re all home playing on the internet on a FRIDAY night,
I mean not that I’m complaining cos I love my nights on the couch but bless our social-less hearts.
I swallowed three sleeping pills with no water and they got stuck in my throat, I got a full cup of water after and tried to flush them down but nothing. So I googled “pills stuck in throat” and the general consensus was to eat bread swallowing slowly.
I went to my kitchen, didn’t bother turning on the light and got the 2 slices of bread I had in my cabinet and started eating it on my way back to my room. The bread tasted kinda funny but it did the trick, pills went down and I went straight to sleep.
Next morning I needed to get something out of the cabinet the bread was in and pulled the bread out. The whole thing was green and gray with mold…..that was why the bread tasted funny the night before.
I mean I survived and all but yeah, I guess I know how moldy bread taste now.